He's in his 40s and never married. Is that a red flag?

Not by itself. About a quarter of 40-year-olds in the U.S. have never been married, and men more often than women. Most people that age have lived with a partner at some point anyway. His marital status tells you very little. The way he talks about his past relationships, and the way he shows up for you now, tells you much more.

How common is it to be never married in your 40s?

More common than it used to be, by a lot. As of 2021, 25% of 40-year-olds had never been married, up from 20% in 2010 and just 6% in 1980.1 A higher share of men than women had never married.1

So if you’re 44 and dating a 46-year-old who’s never been married, you’re not dating an outlier. You’re dating someone from a generation that has been marrying later, or not at all, at record rates.

It’s also not necessarily permanent. Pew found that about one in four 40-year-olds who hadn’t married in 2001 had done so by age 60.1

Does “never married” mean “never committed”?

Usually not. Around three-quarters of Americans in their late 30s or early 40s have lived with a romantic partner they weren’t married to at some point.2 And among never-married adults ages 40 to 44, 22% were living with a partner in 2022.1

So “never married” often hides a fuller history: a six-year relationship that ended without a wedding, a live-in partner who moved abroad, a long engagement that didn’t happen. Those are exactly the stories worth hearing.

Meet Nina, 45, divorced, two teenagers. She’s had three dates with Greg, 47, a landscape architect who’s never been married. Her sister said, “Forty-seven and never married? What’s wrong with him?” Nina laughed it off, but the question stuck.

Separate the pieces:

• What happened: she learned one fact about his past.
• The reading: something’s wrong with him.
• The fear: she’ll invest time and find out the hard way that he can’t commit.
• The next step: ask about his history, and watch what he does.

Why do people stay unmarried into their 40s?

Often for ordinary reasons. When Pew asked never-married adults who might like to marry why they hadn’t, the most common answer was that they hadn’t found someone with what they were looking for (30%).3 Others said they weren’t financially ready (27%) or hadn’t felt ready to settle down (22%).3 That survey is from 2014 and covered all ages, but the reasons will sound familiar.

Some other common stories:

• A long relationship that didn’t end in marriage. Many people cohabit for years without a wedding.
• Timing. Career moves, caring for a parent, or a relationship that ended right when marriage was on the table.
• A choice. Some people simply never saw marriage as necessary, even in committed relationships.
• A pattern. Sometimes, yes, someone backs away whenever things get serious. That’s what you’re actually trying to find out.

So what should you actually look at?

His behavior and his story, not the box on a form.

How he describes past relationships. Can he talk about why things ended with some honesty, including his own part? “We wanted different things, and I wasn’t ready when she was” is a real answer. “They were all crazy” is a warning, married or not.

What he says he wants now. Ask directly. Someone who’s clear, even if the answer is “I’m not sure about marriage, but I want a partner,” gives you something to work with.

Consistency. Does he make plans and keep them? Does he call when he says he will? Commitment shows up in small, repeated ways long before it shows up in big ones.

Integration. Over time, does he bring you into his life, with friends, family, his routines? People who want something lasting usually do.

How he handles a hard conversation. If you raise something awkward, does he engage, or does he vanish for three days?

Nina asked Greg over dinner. He told her about an eight-year relationship in his 30s that ended when his partner took a job across the country and he didn’t want to move. He said he’d thought about marriage then, and still would, “with the right person, which is a cliché, I know.” Then he asked about her divorce. They talked until the restaurant started stacking chairs.

Is there anything that would be a red flag?

Yes, but it’s about patterns, not status. Watch for:

• No relationship longer than a few months, ever, combined with vagueness about why.
• Contempt for every ex. Everyone else was the problem.
• Pulling back whenever things get closer, like canceling after a great weekend.
• Keeping you separate from his friends and family well past the early stage.
• Clear disinterest in what you want, if you’ve told him you’re looking for long-term.

Any of these would matter in a divorced man too. They just happen to be the questions worth asking.

It’s also fair to turn the lens around. If you’re divorced, he may be wondering about your history in the same way. Offering your own story first, briefly and without drama, often makes it easier for him to share his. Curiosity in both directions is a good sign in itself.

What to do this week

• Ask about his longest relationship, with genuine curiosity, not as a test.
• Say what you want, in one sentence, and ask where he is.
• Watch the next three plans. Made, kept, followed up on?
• Notice if he brings you into his world, or keeps you at the edge.
• Tune out the “what’s wrong with him” chorus until you have real information.

What doesn’t the research show?

• The 40-year-old figures are about marriage, not about whether someone has had committed relationships.1
• The cohabitation figure comes from one birth cohort, people born 1980 to 1984.2
• The reasons survey is from 2014, covered never-married adults of all ages, and asked about marriage specifically.3
• No statistic can tell you about one person. His behavior over the next few months will tell you much more than any data point.