How often should you see someone you're dating in your 40s?

There’s no research-backed number. What matters is a pace that fits both calendars and lets closeness build over weeks, not all at once. Your custody schedule may set the rhythm more than anything else.

Is there a right amount of time?

No single number, but time does matter.

Part of the reason there’s no rule is that midlife dating has few set scripts. A study of partners ages 50 to 65 noted that dating and living-apart relationships are common at this stage and come with less clear expectations than marriage.4

Communication researcher Jeffrey Hall studied how long it takes to grow close to someone. He estimated about 50 hours together to move from acquaintance to casual friend, about 90 hours to become friends, and more than 200 hours to become close friends.1 His studies involved adults who had recently moved and first-year college students, and they were about friendship, not dating.1

Still, the point carries over. Closeness takes hours, and hours take weeks. What you do with them counts too: in a study of 49 married couples, those who spent more of their time together talking reported more satisfaction and closeness.3

Can you see each other too much early on?

You can. Writing in Psychology Today, psychologist Seth Meyers argues that seeing a new partner too often early creates an illusion of intimacy before you really know each other.2 A steadier pace, he suggests, gives you a clearer read on who the person is.2

That doesn’t mean rationing time to seem cool. It means leaving enough space to notice how you feel when you’re apart.

What does this look like with kids and a full calendar?

Darius is 44, a high school principal with two kids on alternating weeks. Joanna, 45, is a hospital pharmacist with a teenager at home full time. Six weeks in, they’d found a rhythm almost by accident: every Wednesday night, plus one weekend day on his off weeks.

On his kid weeks, they talked by phone after bedtime. Joanna liked that more than she expected. Darius worried it wasn’t enough, until he asked and found out it was fine with her.

That’s the pattern worth copying. They didn’t guess. They named the schedule out loud.

How do you agree on a pace?

Start with the calendar, not the feelings. Look at what both of you actually have: custody weeks, work travel, a parent who needs a hand on Saturdays.

Then try a few questions:

• What’s realistic on a normal week? Not the best week, a normal one.
• What kind of contact do you each like between dates? A call, a few texts, nothing until the next plan.
• What would make you feel crowded? And what would make you feel forgotten?

If texting rhythm is the sore spot, our guide to what healthy texting looks like in your 40s helps. And when you’re seeing each other often and wondering where it’s headed, here’s how to ask about exclusivity.

What if one of you wants much more time?

It’s a familiar mismatch. One person has the kids most weeks, the other has a quiet apartment and evenings free.

Say what you’d like, once, without making it a test. Then listen to what’s possible on their side. A gap in available time isn’t the same as a gap in interest. A gap that never narrows, and never gets talked about, is worth paying attention to.

Limits of these sources

• Hall’s hours come from studies of friendship, not romance, and the samples weren’t people in midlife.1
• The Psychology Today piece is a clinician’s view, not a study.2
• None of these sources accounts for custody schedules, which shape a lot of dating for parents.
• The midlife study covered ages 50 to 65, and the time-together study looked at married couples.3 4
• Darius and Joanna are illustrative characters.