Dating a divorced man in his 40s: what to watch

Being divorced isn’t a red flag. More than half of previously married adults remarry, according to Pew’s analysis of 2013 census data, so a man in his 40s with a marriage behind him is the norm, not the exception.1 What’s worth watching is where that marriage still lives in his week: in shared parenting, which is normal and good, or in the space where a new partner would go.

Here’s a composite to make it concrete. You’re Magdalena, 44, a pharmacist with two teenagers on alternating weeks. You’ve been seeing Dov, 47, for two months. His divorce was final last year. He’s warm, he plans dates, and he’s clearly a devoted dad. He also left dinner early twice to help his ex move a dresser, and he talks about “when we were married” more than you’d expect.

Separate the strands

What happened: two early exits for his ex, a lot of marriage stories, and otherwise good follow-through. The reading: he’s not over her. The fear: you’ll spend a year being second to a marriage that’s over on paper only. The next step: watch a month of plans, then ask one calm question.

Close isn’t the problem

A good co-parenting relationship is something to be glad about. In a 20-year follow-up of 173 grown children of divorce, Constance Ahrons found those whose parents cooperated reported better relationships with parents, grandparents, stepparents and siblings.2 A man who still has dinner with his ex and kids on birthdays may be doing exactly the right thing.

Closeness can also keep an emotional bond going. In a study of 219 custodial mothers, more coparental support went along with more lingering attachment to the former spouse.3 The researchers suggested that some attachment may be a natural result of parenting together. That’s not a warning sign by itself. It just means some connection is expected, and the question is whether there’s still room for you.

What it can look like when there isn’t room

A recent Dear Prudence letter shows the clearest version. A man a few months out of an almost 20-year marriage co-parents well and is in an exclusive relationship, yet he’s still pining for the family he had. The columnist’s first piece of advice: break up with the girlfriend, because she isn’t getting what she deserves.4 That letter was written from his side. From your side, it might look like warmth that never quite reaches you.

A subtler version showed up in Lori Gottlieb’s Atlantic column. A reader four years into dating a divorced father of two found his wedding photos on the wall of his ex’s new home. He’d hung them himself while helping her get the house ready for the kids.5 Helpful, not romantic. But it shows how blurry the line can get, even years in.

Signs worth a second look

These aren’t a verdict on him. They’re the places to look over a month, not a week:

• The calendar. Do plans with you move only for the kids, or also for things with her that have nothing to do with them?
• The stories. Does he talk about the marriage more than the life he’s living now?
• The legal status. Is it actually final? Separated and divorced are different situations; if he’s still in the middle of it, read dating someone separated or recently divorced.
• The extremes. An ex described only as a villain, or only as a saint, can mean the story is still being written.
• Kid weeks. Fewer plans are normal. Total silence, every time, is worth a conversation.

Ask once, then watch the counteroffer

When you’ve watched a month, ask one plain question at a calm moment, not on a handoff night. Something like: “I like how you two co-parent. I’m also trying to understand where I fit.” Then pay attention to the counteroffer. “You’re right, let’s lock in Wednesdays” is a good sign. Defensiveness, or another round of “it’s complicated,” tells you something too.

If kids are involved, keep those conversations away from them, and don’t expect to meet his until he’s ready. That pace protects them, and a man who takes it seriously is usually taking you seriously too. Ahrons’ study also found that one third of grown children remembered a parent’s remarriage as more stressful than the divorce itself, so his care around new partners may be reasonable rather than a brush-off.2

In the composite, Magdalena asked Dov that Thursday. He was quiet for a moment, then said he hadn’t noticed how often he said yes to his ex. The next month he started saying “let me check with Magdalena.” Not every version ends that way. But you’ll know more after one honest question than after six more weeks of wondering.

Related reading

For a broader look at ex closeness, read still close with an ex. If he’s never married at all, the questions shift: see dating a man in his 40s who’s never been married. And for the bigger picture, here’s how to tell if someone is emotionally available.