Living apart together in your 40s: does it work?

Yes, for a lot of couples. A US study found about a third of adults who aren’t married or living with a partner are in a committed relationship with someone who lives elsewhere, a setup researchers call “living apart together”, or LAT.1 Studies that only count couples who share a home would class them as single.

Whether it works for you depends on whether separate homes is a stage you’re both passing through or a shape you’ve both chosen. In your 40s, it can be either.

What is living apart together?

It’s a committed couple who keep separate homes by choice or circumstance. It’s not long distance, and it’s not casual. In the US data, people in LAT relationships felt as emotionally supported by their partners as people who lived together did. Where they differed was practical help: less of the everyday, hands-on support that comes with sharing a home.1

They also expected different things. Heterosexual couples living apart were less likely than cohabiting couples to expect to marry each other.1

Why do people in their 40s choose it?

Kids are the big one. In European survey data from eleven countries, having children living at home lowered people’s intentions to move in with an LAT partner, but only for people under 50.2 That fits a lot of 40-something lives: you might be ready for a partner long before you’re ready to blend households.

Past relationships are another. In interviews with older adults who chose LAT, relationship histories and caregiving burdens were among the factors that shaped the decision.4 Those were people in later life, not their 40s, but the reasons will sound familiar to anyone who has already split one household.

Is it a phase or the long-term plan?

The research suggests age changes the answer. Reviewing the evidence, Ingrid Connidis and colleagues concluded that among older adults, LAT is generally a stable alternative to living together, while that’s less true for younger people.3 In the European data, younger women in LAT relationships were more likely than younger men to want to move in, but older women were less likely than older men.2

Your 40s sit right in between those groups. So it’s worth asking each other directly which one you’re in, rather than assuming.

Pros and cons at a glance

What tends to work	What to watch
Fits around kids still living at home2	Less day-to-day practical help1
Emotional support on par with living together1	One of you may expect it to be temporary2
Room to avoid repeating an old household setup4	Lower expectations of marriage, if that matters to you1

Key takeaways

• About a third of unmarried, non-cohabiting US adults are in LAT relationships, per US survey data.1
• Kids at home make people under 50 less keen to move in with a partner.2
• LAT tends to be a stable choice later in life, less so for younger couples.3
• Ask whether it’s a stage or the plan. In your 40s, it could be either.

The opposite move has its own guide: moving in together in your 40s. For the smaller version of the same question, how much time together feels right, try how often to see each other in your 40s.